Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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