I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
