fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
