Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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