I hate all girls vehemently.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
