im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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