smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize