my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize