we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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