I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
