i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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