Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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