I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I take back everything I said about communal showers
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize