Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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