You're my little dorito
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize