He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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