Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
