So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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