good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
