I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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