Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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