my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
