I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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