The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
