I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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