All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
