I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
