u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
