Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
