Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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