Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
