she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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