I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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