My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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