There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
