Umm I'm too high to move.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize