you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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