I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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