Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
