someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
