I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
