Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
