Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
