is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
