Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
