I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
