my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
