The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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