Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
