i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
