She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
