someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
