Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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