i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
