also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
