i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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