My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
