Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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