I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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